Things Left Unsaid
by Estelle4Ever
Summary: Albus Dumbledore interrupts a warm dinner-gathering of a group of members of the First Order of the Phoenix with the news of Regulus Black's death. Sirius lets his walls break down, realizing all the things he never got to tell his little brother. One-shot. Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.


**Hello, everyone!**

 **This is a oneshot about Sirius and the Order finding out about Regulus's death.**

 **Please leave your comments and feedback, I love hearing new ideas and your opinions.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **-Estelle**

* * *

"We should do this more often!" Alice soon-to-be-Longbottom said, laughing.

"Too right, we should." Marlene McKinnon agreed, also gasping for breath.

The Order of the Phoenix had gathered at Alice and Frank's humble abode for dinner, deciding that they should all spend some time together as friends instead of as warriors. They had decided that with the times being so dangerous, any of them could die at any moment. Instead of only remembering each other for their noble sacrifices and shrewdness in Order Meetings, they should remember each other as the people who had laughed throughout dinner at absolutely nothing.

"Why hasn't your sister joined the Order, Gid?" Mary MacDonald asked one half of the Prewett twins.

"Kids." Gideon replied, "Bill, Charlie, Percy and the twins- Fred and George. They're a handful."

"They're brilliant." Fabian added, a look of delight on his face.

"Agreed. They're learning how to switch their names around. Fabian and I can tell them apart, but somehow, Molly finds it difficult."

Lily smiled, "Must be frustrating. I'd love to meet them. I've met the other three."

"Maybe we can arrange it later." Sirius shrugged, "Go over to their house for a dinner. The Burrow, was it? A little off Ottery St. Catchpole?"

"That's the one." Fabian confirmed.

Sirius looked wistful, "I'd love to have lived in a place like that growing up. Our house was pretty eerie and dark. My seventh word was 'mudblood'.That probably says something about my family, doesn't it? No offence, Lily. Uncle Alphard made me wash my mouth with soap, but I was only 1, anyway."

James put on a mock offended look, "Are you telling me that Potter Manor is eerie and dark, and that my family are a bunch of pureblood maniacs?"

Sirius's face brightened immediately, understanding what James was saying. _You are me. I am you. You are a Potter in every way. My blood runs in your veins from the time in second year when we mixed our blood together. My family is your family. My home is yours._

Marlene smiled affectionately at her boyfriend and his best friend. Remus smiled, too.

"Anyway, Sirius, I'm sure your family aren't that bad." Benjy Fenwick said.

"That's what you think." Sirius snorted, "They're all awful. I mean, Andy's decent, I've been around to visit Dora- her new daughter- a couple of times. My parents are hags. Trixie and Cissa are terrible." he paused thoughtfully for a moment, "Ok, maybe Cissa isn't as bad...she's softer."

Benjy blinked, trading confused glances with the Prewett twins.

"Who the hell are Andy, Cissa and Trixie?" Benjy demanded.

Sirius turned bright red, slapping his hand to his forehead in embarrassment.

"Andy as in Andromeda Tonks. Second oldest cousin of mine. You know her." Sirius muttered.

"Oh, yeah." Fabian nodded, "She's pretty nice. Okay, who are the other two? Cissy and Trixa?"

"Trixie and Cissa." Peter corrected.

Sirius heaved a sigh, "You know. Um, Bella? Bellatrix?"

Benjy gaped at him, horrified, "You mean...the Slytherin prefect in my year?"

Sirius flushed, "Bellatrix Lestrange now."

"The evil female version of you?" Benjy said, looking surprised, "No wonder you guys look and act so alike. You're- what?- cousins?"

"Cousins." Lily confirmed, while James and Remus roared with laughter.

"She does not look like me." Sirius said haughtily, tossing is hair back and sitting straighter, adopting the aristocratic Black family expression, "We look nothing alike."

James laughed even harder while Remus said between chuckles, "Hate to break it to you, mate, but you've both got dark hair, grey eyes and the pristine aristocrat look."

"The _what_?" Sirius repeated, affronted, "Pristine aristocrat- what the _hell_ , Moony?"

James's laughter finally ceased, "You _do_ look a bit alike, Pads."

"Okay." Benjy said quickly, before Sirius could retort, "So Cissa must be Bellatrix's sister, right? Narcissa."

Sirius nodded wordlessly.

"Nice nicknames." Peter sniggered, setting James and Remus off again.

"Shut up." Sirius snapped.

"Where did you get those nicknames from?" Marlene asked him curiously.

"We used to be best friends as kids." Sirius explained, "Before I was sorted into Gryffindor. Bella and I were partners in crime, and Cissa would always follow to make sure we didn't hurt anyone and my brother would be on lookout for adults- and he would always talk us out of trouble, too- and Andy would be watching over us, and giving us ideas and stuff. Making sure we didn't break anything."

Everyone else blinked, digesting this information.

"Merlin." Alice said, "That makes you all sound like a normal family."

Sirius shrugged, "Happens to the best of us."

"You and Bellatrix _are_ pretty alike." Peter said, "You're both brash and loud and kind of unstable and you've got wild tempers."

"But at the end of the day it's your choices that matter. You chose good over evil. You chose the Order. You chose to die like a hero, rather than live as a slave of evil." Lily said softly, smiling at Sirius, "It cost you everything to run, it hurt you when no one stopped you, but you ran anyway."

Frank nodded, "You're a good guy, Sirius."

Sirius smiled, feeling, for some unknown reason, relieved.

"What do your cousins do now?" Bertha Jorkins questioned stupidly.

Everyone else looked around awkwardly.

"Um...Well, Andromeda's raising a kid." James said, as if that answered all the questions, "And Narcissa is getting married to Lucius Malfoy soon."

"Malfoy? That Death Eater scum? Don't want your family associating with that, mate." Bertha told Sirius, "Well, what about Bellatrix?"

"She's a Death Eater." Sirius said shortly, "One of the best in his ranks, mind you. It would take much more than you to get her out of the way."

Bertha looked surprised, "She's a Death Eater. Wow. Are you getting information from her? Like a spy for us, or something?"

There was a brief, stunned silence.

"No." Sirius hissed, "I haven't talked to her since- " he broke off, calculating the date of her wedding, "I haven't talk to her in 13 months."

"Thirteen months?" Marlene questioned dangerously, "What business did you have with her thirteen months ago, Sirius."

"Her wedding." Sirius said defensively, "I had to go, okay? I used to idolize her as a kid. It was her wedding."

"She's a death eater! She could've used the opportunity to kill you!"

"She wouldn't have. I know her better than any of you. I just- I had to go! It was the last time I'd see her as Bellatrix Black. I had to see it happen so I could let go of her once and for all. She told me Blacks always followed their beliefs. That I was scum for believing differently, that I was a disgusting blood-traitor, but she was proud I wasn't backing out of it." Sirius heaved a gusty sigh.

Marlene took pity on him and opened her mouth to change the topic, but Bertha beat her to it.

"You mentioned you had a brother. What about him?" she asked lightly. She had heard rumors that Sirius wasn't too happy with her brother now, but she wanted to know exactly why. With the way this evening was going, she would surely find out.

Another uncomfortable silence fell over the room. James cursed Bertha's stupidity and love for gossip.

Everyone knew that Sirius was upset about his brother joining the Death Eaters seven months ago, and was much more worried than he let on. They knew he was furious and terrified and disgusted and anxious.

"He's a death eater as well." Sirius said in a hollow voice.

Bertha made her eyes wide and shocked, "Little Regulus, a death eater?"

"Reg isn't so little anymore." Sirius said, sounding uncertain. Then, he sat straighter in his char and said with a note of finality, " Now, as much as I love shouting about my personal life during what's supposed to be a _happy_ get together, I am going to have to change the topic to the Weasley twins. They sound fun. I'm sure Gid and Fabian have a lot to tell us about them."

Bertha looked put out. She opened her mouth again, but Fabian cut her off in a loud voice.

The tension lifted from the room, and ten minutes later, everyone was rolling on the floor, laughing at the antics of Molly's youngest children.

"And poor Arthur had no idea!" Gideon gasped, "The kids are only one and a half, but they show so much promise."

The laughter didn't subside for another fifteen minutes. Bertha, bored due to the lack of gossip, stood up, "This has been fun, but I best be off."

She threw on her cloak, left the house and walked out into the dark street, and with a crack, disapparated.

They all stared out the window, at the spot from which Bertha had left, then they all looked at each other, and then burst out laughing again. Lily stopped laughing for long enough to lock the door again, before collapsing once more.

As the laughter ceased, Frank waved his wand and all the dishes sped towards the sink.

"Accio Butterbeer!" he cried, and several mugs of butterbeer zoomed towards the table.

Everyone took a mug eagerly, and sipped the drink in companionable silence, only the sound of gulping heard.

The peaceful absence of noise was interrupted by a rap on the door.

Everyone sprang to their feet, wands at the ready.

"It is I, Albus Dumbledore." the voice said from the other side of the door.

"Prove it." Sirius said with a menacing growl.

"I am the creator of the Order of the Phoenix, I have a love for socks, and Mr. Black, I was asked by Madam Rosmerta if you preferred older or younger women."

Sirius lowered his wand, flushing, "Oh. Right. Come in, Sir."

"Unlock the door, Sirius!" Remus said exasperatedly.

Sirius did as he was told, all the while blushing furiously.

"Was there no other way to prove your self?" he snapped as soon as he opened the door, "Your patronus, my last words to you as a student of Hogwarts, blah, blah, blah. You chose that?"

"I found it rather amusing, Mr. Black." Dumbledore said serenely, walking in. His eyes didn't twinkle as much as they usually did.

Sirius locked the door and muttered a few protective enchantments, before reseating himself at the table.

"Accio." Edgar Bones murmered, pointing at a chair. It sped towards the head of the table.

Dumbledore sat, "Thank you, Mr. Bones."

"Butterbeer, Sir?" Peter asked cheerfully.

"No, no." Dumbledore said, "I'm sorry to interrupt your happy gathering, but I've brought news. I'm afraid the Order never gets a real break."

"We know what we signed up for, Sir." Lily assured him.

Dumbledore cast a glance around the room, "Where is Bertha Jorkins? I was informed that she would be with you this evening."

"She left." Sirius said indifferently.

"Perhaps it is better that way." Dumbledore nodded slowly, "She was known at Hogwarts for her ability to spread the latest pieces of news, if I'm not wrong."

"Oh, you're not wrong." James said irritably, "Her and her stupid friend. Skeeter."

"James!" Lily snapped.

"Sorry, Lily. Sorry, Professor."

"No harm done, James." Dumbledore said. His voice didn't sound right. It wasn't airy and cheerful, but slightly worried. He sounded grave.

Marlene's heart gave a lurch, "Sir- sir, there hasn't been an attack- no one's- the death eater's haven't killed-"

The faces of all the others grew immediately solemn, anxious.

"No, Ms. McKinnon, I can assure you that none of our number have died." Dumbledore said quickly.

There was a relieved sigh, coming from the room at large.

"But." Dumbledore continued, "There has been a death. Of a death eater."

"One down. Loads to go." Gideon said, "That's not bad news, then. They had it coming."

"Do you really believe so?" the Headmaster asked.

Gideon nodded, "They chose the wrong thing, Sir. We were just talking about that. About how Sirius was exposed to so much dark stuff that he could've been one of them. But he's not."

"True." Dumbledore's eyes flashed with worry at the mention of Sirius's name, "But do you really think that all death eaters deserve death?"

"It depends on the wrong that he or she has done." Lily said diplomatically, "Maybe they do deserve death. Maybe they don't. But we've got to stay strong, haven't we? One down for us. A murder that we don't have to commit, but still an obstacle out of our way."

There were several nods around, as well as cries of 'Here, here!" while James smiled proudly at his girlfriend.

"How did the death eater die?" Sirius asked.

"Killed on Voldemort's orders." Dumbledore said. There were many flinches at the usage of the name, "Ordered to drink a potion that made him weak, and then was drowned in a lake by inferi, before his dead body surfaced on shore."

"How awful. No one really deserves to die like that." Amelia Bones murmered, "Why did You-Know-Who order him to be killed?"

"Apparently he tried to back out of being a death eater. He didn't want it any more." Dumbledore said. "There was one witness. He did everything he could to prevent the death, but was ordered to return to his home. Ordered so by the death eater himself."

"Oh." Remus said softly, "But why did he try to stop the death?"

Dumbledore did not reply, so no one further questioned him.

"Sir." Benjy said suddenly, looking curious, "You never mentioned who it was who died. Do you know?"

The rest of the Order craned their necks to look at Dumbledore expectantly. Who was it that dared to think, if even for a brief second, that Voldemort was wrong? Who was it who had tried to make the right choice?

Dumbledore bowed his head, looking more grave than any had ever seen him before.

When he spoke, his voice was strong, but ebbed with pain. Pain for another.

"Regulus Black."

Sirius's heart, which was beating painfully fast, seemed to stopped. Because how could this be true? How could Regulus- _eighteen-year-old_ Regulus- be dead? How could the boy whom Sirius had worried about for months, for _years_ , suddenly not have a place on this Earth?

No one else spoke. The looks on their faces expressed the shock, the horror, which they felt. When Dumbledore had asked whether they felt a death eater truly deserved death, he had meant Regulus.

James had screwed his eyes shut. Regulus had hurt Sirius by siding against him. Regulus had made the wrong decision in life. Regulus and James had never spoken much in school, but their short conversations were never unpleasant. They were clipped and tensed.

But he was Sirius's _brother._

Lily clasped his hand tightly, the other pressed to her mouth.

Remus eyes were wide with disbelief. He turned to James helplessly, and then they all turned to Sirius.

His face was white. Deathly white, and his eyes were dark and haunted. Marlene was holding him, but he was stiff, almost like the carelessly handsome statues of famous Greek wizards.

He then slowly shook his head, "No."

Dumbledore looked at him sadly, "I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you, Sirius."

Sirius stood up with such force that his chair fell backwards with a thud.

"No." He whispered again, "You're lying. You're lying. It wasn't him. He's not dead."

"Sirius. Please try to understand."

"DON'T YOU _DARE_ TELL ME TO UNDERSTAND!" Sirius roared. Peter shrank back.

"Sirius-"

"SHUT UP! _SHUT UP!"_ Sirius whirled around to face Dumbledore, who wore a look of calm understanding. A look that said _I will let you yell at me. You need to._

"There is no concept of 'backing out' once joining up with Voldemort, Sirius. You know that as well as I do." the old man said, "From the moment he told you he had joined, you knew there was no going back."

"He knew, too." Sirius said, his voice hoarse, "The _idiot._ Why did he try to leave? He should've contacted me, I would've- I _told_ him- he knew I was still there for him, I told him he was going to get himself k-" but he broke off, unable to say the word.

"Sirius, you must understand that he brought this upon himself-"

" _SHUT YOUR MOUTH!_ " Sirius thundered, "WHAT DO _YOU_ KNOW? DON'T TELL ME THIS WAS _HIS_ FAULT, DON'T YOU _DARE_ , _PROFESSOR_." he spat the last word mockingly.

James knew Sirius would regret his words the minute his temper cooled, but he also (along with the others) gaped at Professor Dumbledore for being so _offhand_ about the death, for telling Sirius it was Regulus's fault.

"Sirius." Dumbledore said softly.

Sirius flaring temper cooled at once, leaving a broken, pained look on his face, and Marlene wished he would start shouting again because this Sirius as ten times more heartbreaking than the angry one.

"He was only eighteen."

Every eye turned to Sirius the minute he spoke, and Remus realized that Sirius was right. He was only eighteen. He had his whole life in front of him, he had barely passed out of school, and for a brief, glimmering moment, he had had hope for a better life.

And now the hope was gone, just like him, and there were so many things Regulus had never done, things he would never get to do.

For a crazy moment, Remus wondered whether Regulus had ever tasted Firewhisky.

"I never told him!" Sirius said hysterically.

"Told him what?" Lily said gently.

"I told him I was worried. I told him he was being an idiot, I told him I cared. I said I would always be there, that I was his big brother, no matter what, but I never told him-"

"Never told him?"

"That I loved him." Sirius said quietly, "I never told him that he meant everything to me. I never told him I was proud. I never told him that I would do anything for him."

James shut his eyes, tears threatening to fall. It pierced his heart suddenly, that whatever he needed to tell anyone, he had to do say it. No one knew how long they'd live, and there was nothing worse than the pain of things left unsaid.

"He had such a good heart, Sirius." Dumbledore whispered.

Those words seemed to break Sirius completely.

He cried.

Sirius Black let the tears fall silently, and the rest of the Order put their heads down. All but James, Lily, Marlene and Remus. They held him as gasped for air, as he said in a dejected, dead voice, "But he wasn't strong enough to run with me."

"No. I don't suppose he was." Dumbledore said.

"Who was it?"

"Who was...?" the Headmaster questioned.

"The witness. Who tried to stop him?" Sirius asked sharply.

"I gather that it was your house-elf, Sirius. Kreacher."

Sirius stood there for a second, swaying slightly, and James was sure he was going to fall.

Then, in such a loud voice, that even Dumbledore cowered, Sirius bellowed, "KREACHER!"

Kreacher appeared with a crack, eyeing Sirius.

Both pairs of eyes, which usually held disgust and dislike, now held pain and remorse.

"Is he really gone?" Sirius asked in a hollow voice.

Kreacher seemed to understand. He bowed his head.

Sirius dropped to his knees, so that he was only a few inches taller than Kreacher, "Kreacher, answer me!"

"Kreacher tried to stop Master." the house-elf croaked, "Kreacher tried, but Master ordered him to stop, Master ordered him to let go. Kreacher had to watch as Master Regulus was pulled into the water and-and-"

Kreacher stopped, too overcome to speak, to overcome to move, and Sirius buried his face in his hands.

"He is asked me to inform Master Sirius that he is sorry."

Sirius was still, though his eyes were wild, "I forgave him the minute he joined. This can't- he can't be _dead_ \- he's my baby _brother._ "

Kreacher looked up at Sirius and said sincerely, "Master Sirius was good to Master Regulus."

Sirius shook his head bitterly, "Not good enough."

"Master Regulus doesn't have to pretend any longer."

Sirius's wild eyes calmed down, "No." he breathed, "No more pretending." he sighed, "Kreacher, you're tired. Go to Grimmauld Place. Have a meal. Rest in your den. I'll call if I need anything."

Kreacher bowed, and then disappeared with a crack.

Sirius stood rooted to the spot. He seemed to collect himself. In a brief moment, he was standing tall again.

"Sirius." James whispered.

"I should have told him."

The silence was deafening, so absolute that it seemed to be shouting in their ears.

A silence full of things left unsaid.


End file.
